How did i get here?? That's what I was asking myself this morning in the waiting room before my radiation treatment. I was sitting across from Dan. He's probably in his late 60s. Thin with grey hair and an even greyer face. He has cancer all along the lymph nodes on the left side of his throat. And just four years ago, the first time, he had the same cancer on the other side of his throat. That side is sunken with caverns that were scooped out by the surgery. They found 13 cancerous lymph nodes from the first surgery and there's not enough neck left to operate on the side with the new cancer. Whenever he sits down across from me (I have the 10:40 and he's 10:50), he gives me a warm, yet thoroughly exhausted smile. sometimes we chat a little, but often he nods off. "I don't know why, but I get so tired when I come in here" he says. I think I can see why.
Most of the men are considerably older than me. Early 60s and up: a lot of prostate cancer, another couple of guys with malignancies in their necks. One guy asked me, "what do you have?" "rectal cancer" I say. "oooh" he says turning away, clearly convinced that his prostate cancer is way less horrible than my rectal cancer. Maybe he's right. At the beginning of treatment, I just noticed the age disparity without any emotion. Lately, and I'm not proud of this, I started feeling like it's some kind of injustice being here at age 43, even though millions of people have gotten cancer when they were way younger than me. But the thing is, I've never BEEN somebody that believed there was any "justice" in who got diseases. So why start now.
I'm feeling strong still. The side effects have been minimal.
I like your sense of humor, Michael! Baby of the Brood!
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to feel a little weak at times, Michael. That is from where you gain strength.
ReplyDeleteAllow yourself to feel weak. Understand what it does to you. Sucks, doesn't it! Then make a cognitive decision that you will rise above it.
You allowed yourself to feel it. It wasn't right for you. Then you let it go - you really let it go!
That is how I learned to deal with depression years ago.
Michael, thank you so much for sharing so honestly. My mother was successfully treated for breast cancer two years ago. Amazing how the experience changes you. Initially, my changes were definitely NOT for the better. I was bitter Betty lol.
ReplyDeleteThese days I see it as a journey which required more strength than we knew we had. We also had more people surrounding us with love and support than we ever imagined. People who had been there stepped up and held our hand. Literally sometimes. It meant the world to us.
I hope it helps to know so many people care about you and hold you and yours close in our prayers.